Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Lonely Drift

I walk alone. All on my side, but, yet alone. I flow with this dirty tide. No friend do I have, none on my side. I never experienced companionship. I wish I wasn't born. I wish to stop fighting soon enough. But my creator doesn't let night dawn.

Why don't I have friends you may ask? Thank God I don't have those who anyway won't last. Well, I don't really mean to say that I thank God, partly being an athiest. But anyway, what is the point of having people who are not good enough for me? What is the point of people I don't regard equal to me?

At least I am gifted. And I am alone gifted. Well, at least I call one in a billion to be alone, don't know about you. So I had to probably be born alone. But to apply the Law of Symmetry, mustn't I die alone too? I don't know, I am yet to master this unchanging law I discovered.

I hate life. I love death. I love to be no more. I love to not be alone any more. What a fool I have been? Always been truthful and honest to be shredded to tears and left crying but still having death spare me. I don't wish to continue this journey too long. But alas, the path has just begun and everything has gone all wrong.

Let us get back to the task. Let REVENGE be my mask, to hide my tears. Let money rule, let the cruel seem CooL, I don't want to become another fool by diving into the pool of the commoners yet again.

I know I have disappointed my readers, but, I hope that you like this one and enjoy it until the times dawns for another pun, and I am really sorry, but not forever will those relying on me see the Sun.


And remember, revenge does bring peace. Although it is wrong, it makes you strong.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Jaane wale ko kaun rok sakta hai :S

How can I stop somebody from going? How can I save somebody from dieing? How can I save the person from crying? And why should I now even start trying?

Hone ko to sab kuch ho sakta hai, bahut mil sakta hai, aur kuch kho sakta hai. Par kara kyun jaye, waqt se ladha kyun jaye. Bin soche samjhe mar kyun na diya jaye? Why not at least try?

I cant help it. I was made to do it. I don't wanna help it, I better get down to it.

I will be back and it will only take a "soon". Don't you worry, just enjoy your noon, nap mera matlab oye :P

Too much to do, too short a time left, let me get going now, and leave the rest to myself! :D


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bhoots do Exist

Had exams going. And was spending some time breaking the ceilings of high range IQ tests as well, well, almost. lol

Well, coming to the point. According to paranormal science, bhoots or ghosts as we call them do exist in reality. They are definitely not a part of our every day living. However, to call them non-existent would technically wrong, wrong, and misleading.

Bad (most of the time invisible) spirits do exist and when they take birth as a human we call them psychopaths. I personally know of one for sure. But that is of course besides the point. No matter what some saints say, of course only those who are deprived of advanced scientific knowledge, there is no denying that spirits do exist and not all spirits are angels.

Although I don't want to send shivers down your spine nor keep you up late at night with goosebumps, but the next time you hear of a story, try not to belittle it. And NO it hasn't really ever happened to me as yet, thankfully :)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Don't Take It!!!

Do I think ill for the person I once loved(now I only love my angel who is imaginary)?
Not really.

Would I be happy if is harmed and cries?
Of course, yes...But,

I don't want to harm her. I understand that being a sociopath God has indeed chosen a tough life for her where she will never have the chance of feeling any genuine love or deep happiness. I pity her and want to make her a human, and I surely will, in my next life.

However, being human, I can't get over the pain I am going through and her unhappiness genuinely will put a smile to my heart. I don't even want to loose this feeling because as it is I will never get even the slightest happiness or peace in this life. So, why should I loose something which at least gives me some happiness?

At least this much is my right, is it not? I am not harming her, not even thinking ill of her. But if something bad does happen to her, independent of me, then why can't I be happy? In my next life of course I will try my best to forget about this life and love her enough to convert that stone brick into a warm heart.

But as of now, what can I do? Ain't my fault, sorry!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Degrading Trail

This pain, that is confronting me is constantly washing me away. I don't think that I can ever be truly happy again. I don't think that anything is going to be worth it. In a dream situation, that I end up being loved by my angel...but...

But, after all this pain and hell that I am going through, I don't think that will be really able to give me that kind of happiness that I once could have got, that I really need to live a happy life. I don't think that anything is going to be worth it.

This journey is really killing me, every second, every part of my body and soul, everything is being drunk away by the likes of a void called hell. I doubt there will ever be genuine and extreme happiness for me. In a rare case of even being loved, I won't be able to feel the love and definitely not the happiness.

That is what I feel and I doubt if I can be wrong because I rarely am wrong without a purpose. I hate life so much, if anybody is dieing and needs an extra life, prey that you get mine. And that won't take you to hell because you have my permission and wishes alongside as well.

Life is hell, life is bad, life is sad, just cut the crap!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Lost Flavor

Over the last few years, I have lost a flavor called happiness. Being constantly in a state of pain and sorrow I don't even know how does it feel to be happy because over the recent few years I have seldom faced that emotion.

All I know is that life is bad and there is no joy anywhere, living is painful and a constant burden which I need to bear for another couple of years. I don't know if I will ever be happy again...:(

Friday, March 5, 2010

Test Of Love

One can say that a person is genuinely in true love if:

The NEED for the attainment and absolute well being and happiness of the other soul is greater than the summation of all desires and needs faced by him till that date, which include both active as well as passive needs/desires both at the conscious as well as sub conscious level.

A shorter but more unrealistic test would be that a person would still love her if he died and that there would be no change in the nature or intensity of that love caused by death.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Changing Mind

A couple of days back, a thought approached me and got me surrounded by its overwhelming intensity. It made me ponder whether I could ever be happy as long as I had enemies, destroying whom was my sole objective. For once I felt, that maybe my approach had indeed been wrong.

I don't know whether I would still think the same for the remaining days of my life. But I don't think that I will harm any of my enemies. They are bad people, bad bad people, very cruel and insanely cold and heartless. But...

Can pain really change somebody? I don't really hate him, if you come to think of it. In fact, I just want justice and want them to learn from their mistakes and become noble souls. And for that there is more than one route that I can endure to follow. Can't I?

I think I would rather that they marry each other in their next life and I be born as their son to love them and distill them off all the pain that has still not mudded their souls. I would help them learn from their mistakes and start afresh and once that is done I would of course return home...

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Stop this discrimination!!!

Einstein, Mozart, Cauchy, Newton, Bill Gates, Alan Turing, Neils Bohrs, Shakespeare and every other true genius you have heard about had aspergers.

But why discriminate against them? Why treat them as mad when they are not? Are they not human beings? Don't they have feelings too? Isn't there a kind soul in each one of them? Let me tell you one thing straight, most of them were probably great human beings and cared a great deal for everyone in this world, except that they had difficulty expressing it because of their medical disorder.

Aspergers is no disease, it is another way of life and you will rarely find a genius worthy of coming under the greatest geniuses of all time unless he has this order. The only person I could find who was a real gem and didn't have aspergers is Stephen Hawkins. Now, is that what you want all geniuses to go through?

This disorder anyway makes one go through bad periods due to social awkwardness and often other painful trials too. Shouldn't you help such people out instead of just adding to their pain and in fact being the prime cause for the same?

Enough is enough, at least try to be human!!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Is there something called 'justice'?

Is there any justice in the world?

Do we actually get the rewards of our deeds and the fruits of our suffering?

Do bad people actually go to hell?

Does there really exist a God?

Is there something which finally results in the universe being fair to everyone?

Does pain really come to an end, ever?

Are universal laws really applicable?

Is there really happiness in heaven, or on the other side?

Will I ever get justice?

Are prayers ever heard?

Is there really a purpose for all this crap?

Is the final goal really reaching your love and being in peace?

Will my life ever change?

Is there really any point in waiting and working hard?

And is there enough light to remove all the darkness?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Aspergers: A prerequisite to genius...

After coming to know that all these geniuses have aspergers, how can anybody think of the term genius and aspergers in isolation :P

Albert Einstein
Issac Newton
Benjamin Franklin

Napolean Bonaparte
George Washington
Abraham Lincoln

Alexandre the Great
More but I haven't heard of the others :P

Leonardo Da Vinci
Vincent Van Gogh


Henry Ford
Bill Gates

Tom Hanks
Marilyn Monroe

Isaac Asimov
Charles Dickinson

Abbe, iske baad to lagta hai ki unless you have Aspergers you can be a genius but definitely not one of the greatest geniuses to have lived on Earth.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Good Amongst The Bad

All of us are bad, bad bad very bad. PERIOD!!

None of us genuinely cares for anybody except himself/herself and those very few who do care selflessly and unconditionally (and I am one of them :)) rarely bother helping out people in distress. All we care about is ourselves!

All of us are very selfish. To be very honest there is no single person on earth who I can genuinely call "GOOD" leave alone "GOD". And it isn't that I am boasting or anything but when it all finally boils down to the heart I am yet to see anybody who can challenge me. I know it sounds true but I am forced to say this out loud due to some personal reasons. Although me and my angel are pretty much THE BEST I have come across, none of us are "GOOD". I consider myself, "Decent" at best, the minimum recommended to be permitted to live in this Universe.

Having said that, I don't think there are too many of you out there who even come close or in other words I feel the majority of the people don't deserve to live in the first place. And these are people who I would refer to as good human beings in every day talk. So the average joe is probably a heartless loser. But if you really think of it, we all are heartless. We only want to solve our own problems.

Are we willing to sacrifice our everything to help the world? NO!
Then are we not bad??

It is all about being good amongst all the bads we encompass and that is enough to at least make some difference.

On the other hand I don't believe God when he makes people suffer the crap out of them blaming it on the Law of Karma. Nobody deserves to really suffer. Nobody deserves to be in pain. After all, we are ALL ONE... Some suffering can be good but real suffering isn't. We need to learn, not cry.

I have learnt, I have suffered, I have cried, but that is not good. What good is that? Nobody else learnt anything and only I alone have lost for a mistake that is not even my own :(

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I am sorry...

I was very angry and got carried away. My father provoked me and started the argument. I have any way been disturbed over the last few days as everything has been going against me. And my father just burnt the last straw of the hay which ignited the whole thing.

But I keep my stand, I definitely don't love him but have to just accept him because I have no other father. Mama is not that bad but decent, but if you see from the point of view of genuine unconditional love then none of us have that for the other person.

But for the remaining years I will just need to live this crappy life of mine :(

Why I hate my father so much...

First of all, I did not hit him, not today nor ever after the promise to my angel.

Now let me tell you a few reasons why I hate him so much. I would rather be an orphan than have the parents I have. I curse them that never in any of their births starting the very next should they ever be gifted with a child.

I take back my words. It is usually against my policy to curse but this is something my heart genuinely felt when I wrote it.

1. He is violent both physically and verbally, abusive and insensitive.

2. He starts shouting at me even if I am polite.

3. He doesn't care how much money I make or how much money I loose to clients who do not pay. He doesn't care about lending even a helping hand.

4. He doesn't care no matter how I do in my exams and he would rather I leave college than do it because I need some help of my parents in completing my degree.

5. He doesn't care if I have no money for my allowance.

6. He doesn't care whether I commit suicide or am murdered as long as he doesn't have to go to jail.

7. He is disrespectful and wrong.

To be very honest I have absolutely no respect for him and I nearly hate him. I would rather have him out of my life completely and absolutely had some points been to my advantage.

And I can promise you that he is not worth having as a father. He may be a capable doctor, a high IQ individual and an average earner, but as far as being a father is concerned he is rubbish. He probably is okay with most people he interacts but few people know how much trouble it is to tolerate him at home.

I don't care what anybody thinks of this post, I can't hide all this forever. If you think that I am wrong then that is your problem and not my concern. But I still literally hate him...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Why I am right?

So, why do I think that if I commit suicide I am not doing anything wrong.

1. I have the right to life and death and nobody can take that right from me. I am not harming or hurting anybody (at least directly) in the process.

2. I am not barring something good from happening which would have happened had I lived further because I wouldn't have done any good anyway. The anger, pain and hatred inside me wouldn't permit me from doing anything truly good for anybody unless there are personal reasons behind it.

3. A lot bad won't happen because the cruel me would be dead forever.

4. My parents don't care so I am not hurting them. Had they cared they would have tried their best to help me out of this even if it meant killing me. Even if they want me then that is just being selfish because the pain I am enduring and will need to face is of a far greater magnitude than what they have or will ever face. Their love for me is not even comparable to my love for my angel. PERIOD!!!

5. Sister: I am not the center of her world so it is cool.

6. Friends/Relatives: I don't think that there is anybody that close to me or vice versa or that doesn't make that sort of a difference.

7. Business: Will probably find a successor in somebody before I die, hopefully.

8. God: He hates me and I hate him back. No need for any commitment.

9: That person: LOL, Obviously she doesn't care a damn and in fact my death might give her some subtle happiness. That she will anyway have to pay for later so it is okay.

So. This proves that suicide at least in my case is not wrong. Not that I am doing it tomorrow or something but it just means that I have every right to do it because it is not wrong.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Set them free :(

What do you prefer: One innocent person dead or one guilty person free? The answer in my mind is absolutely clear. I would rather let a person with with dignity and in peace if there is even an iota of doubt in my mind rather than kick his ass. And, that, is only fair...

It was only today that mama raised the issue of many Pakistani boys jailed in Indian prisons just because they crossed the border by mistake. Now it literally makes me abuse the crap out of the people who are responsible for such hideous crimes. If there is so much of an issue I would rather set all suspected terrorists free as well. We have absolutely no right to their life unless we are not 100% sure that they and none other are responsible for those atrocious atrocities and even then they have every right to explain themselves. And why shouldn't they? As long as they are human, they are one of us and we don't have to throw bite a dog if he/she bites us. In our anger, YES, otherwise NO...

And I would anyway not really mind if everybody is set free, perhaps barring a few really really few who truly deserve to be there. If you want to fight them out, fight it out in the battlefield. Let us see who wins.

Make a fair world and the rest will fall in place. Good people only lead to better times. Set the big things in place and the small ones won't matter and to correct the bigger picture act on the smaller ones.

Enough for now,

Signing out!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Why Vegetarian???

It was a couple of years ago, perhaps when I was in the seventh or eight that I got the insight into myself that killing animals for the sake of the tongue's pleasure is a serious offence and it was then that I left non-vegetarian and shunned away those who consumed it. However, I hadn't left eggs just as yet.

Maybe I was in my ninth class when papa introduced me to Guruji and for the sake of the Guru mantra I don't know what caused me to leave eggs, forever. I became an even more strict vegetarian, stopped consuming even gelatin. It was my love for God who I viewed as my Guruji that caused me to do it.

The years that followed were and still are very difficult times for me. There was a time when my faith in Guruji completely broke and it was then I thought that working for the welfare of this world is futile when God doesn't give a damn about me, nor does anybody else. So I restarted non-vegetarianism again and ate meat in full swing. I really enjoyed the food, but...

A couple of months back when I revisited him and when some things happened. Some of the faith within me, although with a shadow of doubt revived and I don't want to take a chance of his words not coming true because of eating non-vegetarianism. So I left it again, completely.

To be very honest, one should be vegetarian especially if one is good at heart. However being non-vegetarian doesn't guarantee hell and nor does it guarantee heaven for that matter I feel. You need to try to be as good as you can, and your food is a very small part of this process.


Friday, February 5, 2010

My Name is Khan

Going to be a great movie with a great cast directed by a great director with a great story line. :)

But, what SRK has is probably not Aspergyers, in this movie I mean. I don't know much but it looks closer to Autism, at least to me. There are not many ways of physically detecting Aspergers and especially showing it. There shouldn't have been any stiff body movements had they really been trying to show Aspergyers.

For those who don't know already, Aspergyers is a social disorder and found in 1 in 10,000 persons. It is far more uncommon than autism and very difficult to diagnose. Often those people are above average intelligence and sometimes purely genius material.

So much can I related the characters in that movie to my life, all the important characters I feel. Although my life is far tougher and much worse, but something on lines with the same. At least he has had his share of happy moments and will probably be fine by the end. I can't really comment the same about myself, sadly.

Anyway, looking forward to watch SRK in his new avatar. :D

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Don't give it back...

This time, I will stand up for a cause.

For me nobody is an enemy(well, nobody except those two whom too I am ready to forgive), and I care for every single living soul. So...

Just because somebody does something bad to you, doesn't mean that it must be retaliated. What is important is to convey the message that you have been wronged and you must must must try to change the person and change him for the better so that the lives of so many more people become easier.

Harming somebody doesn't really give you anything. Does it? Do you really enjoy it? Some people might take it a little in stride but in the long run it hampers the development of all souls. I do have a desire for taking revenge from those two but only in a limited sense. I don't want to do to them what they did to me. And what they made me go through was way too much to enjoy me being fair or rational, so, we are talking of exceptional circumstances here.

But I believe in being just to everybody but that doesn't mean that everybody should be punished. Learning and helping is what we are here for, not for punishing.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Why I Haven't Died Yet???

For all those wondering why I haven't committed suicide yet, having saying that for years now,

Well, to be honest, I haven't completely lost ALL HOPE till now. I may not be very cheerful but I am still waiting for a miracle.

Sure, I won't wait forever. Anyway,

Bye for now.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Wrong Place Wrong Time

Ended up at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person!!!

Can I be more unlucky than this?

Why did it have to happen?

What does it all mean?

Why to my only? :( This is not fair. :O

I will be adding today to my list of revenges and punishing my enemies appropriately for the same.

There is absolutely no hope left in this life of mine. But my today is going to be the future of the two of you, well, not as bad, but not too good either.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Dates dear to me

25 February 2007

1 March 2007

12 March 1990

19 April 2007

13 August 2007

10 September 2007

24 October 2007

25 October 2007

3 December 2007

5 December 2007

28 January 2008

27 December 2008

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I wish...

That every lover finds his love.

Nobody is loved by more than one lover.

Everybody falls in love.

All this happens within the span of each and every lifespan and as soon as possible.

Just the right amount of wait is involved and the pain must be kept bearable with no sign of suffering even the slightest.


Sunega kaun??? :(

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why do we need psychopaths?

For those who don't know, let me first introduce the term psychopath. A psychopath is a living being (usually in the form of a homo sapien) I guess who has absolutely no human like emotions, at least none other than those present due to selfish reasons.

To explain a little further, psychopaths are people who lack a conscience and have absolutely no regret or remorse for hurting, harming or even killing any human being and our only protection from them is through our law and their feeling of staying within the society. They are emotionless beings who have absolutely no concern for anybody except themselves and sometimes maybe for their obsessions or people who they think can come in handy.
In short, they lack what we call is our 'soul' which is the only thing which supposedly makes a living being a human being.

Often psychopaths turn out to be hardcore and cold blooded criminals and murderers. Not more than 1% of the population comes under this category of people. But if you really come to think of it, it is still quite a bit. It means that of all the people who we will interact with in our life or with who we have interacted, at least a few or maybe even several have such behavior patterns and in most of the cases it is very difficult to be able to decipher from from the rest of us. They live regular lives just like the rest of us and more often than not hide these tendencies from the rest of the world. Very often they are smart and attractive people, people who know what works in this world and thus they know how to get their way through situations.

I ASK why did God have to create psychopaths for this world in the first place? Why do we need to infuse so much hatred over here? Why do we need more pain that is already present? One person who I am not fully sure but who is possibly a psychopath is the girl I fell for. She has absolutely no sign of any emotions and I doubt whether it would be respectful to the human race to call her a human in the first place.

People like this don't deserve to stay in this world. And it is very difficult to keep them in prison because they may not have committed as major crimes or those punishable by law and after all being humans we need to fair, even if we have to be fair to devils. Psychopaths are demons, they are exactly opposite of angels and the sad news is that they do exist and that is a bad reality of life.

I hope that light shines and such people are converted to angels like in heaven. But alas, my life has to end in pain now. :(

Friday, January 22, 2010

I am scared of...

Not being with my angel

Not having my angel with me

Not being loved by my angel

Seeing my angel weep

Not being able to help my angel

Making my angel upset

Being scolded by my angel

Loosing my angel

Finding myself alone in heaven

Not having some things come true

I am scared of my angel's replica...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

So her wish came true!!


No idea as to what is my overall, but overall passed, horribly off course.

So our astrologer was right after all, and this is probably the second or third occasion where his words have come true.

I had to fail in my first year, maybe overall, maybe not, I do not know. But in my strongest subject, I did.

So do we need more proof that God hates the crap outta me?

But that person got her wish true after all...

Monday, January 18, 2010

What's On Stake?

For me its my business and my residential flat. What do you have on stake?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Why is the world so unfair?

I ask, why is this world so unfair?

Why are the people so bad?

Why is the universe filled with hatred?

Why is there not a second of joy?

Why is there no peace to follow?

Will this ever change?

Will my life ever take a new turn?

Will tables turn?

Will the game live the way it should be?

Will there ever be happiness?

Or will I end up dying in Dignitas a few years down the line?

What is in store?

@ The Heartless...:(

Hey Heartless

Let me make something very clear. If you are indeed my angel and the rest that happened isn't your mistake, then it is cool. No need to even ask for forgiveness if you are willing to accept your mistake and change the game.

But, in case my assumption of your not being my angel is right. Then girl, you are going to experience the time of your life in the time to come. You may have felt that I did not truly love you and that it was all lust or that I was joking or that it would die out, but if you still feel the same then rest assured, there is something terribly wrong with you. And if there is something so wrong with you, the time will come when you will be forced to pay the price for it, a very heavy price indeed.

YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!!! I promise you that. No exceptions! None...
I will take care of that. Doesn't matter whether it happens in this life time or after death or in your next birth. The revenge shall be taken and the most serious measures will be taken against you. There will be absolutely no mercy. Sure, I may not do anything as bad as close to what you did to me. But unbearable physical and mental torture is on the cards and no matter who you prey to or call for help will be able to save you from me.

I don't believe in humanity any longer. You killed the human within me long back. I will be back, I promise and tables will turn. I will make sure of that. Whatever is the worst you can dream of will then seem like heaven to you.
And please don't make the mistake of considering this an empty threat. Enjoy all you can this life time, as I don't have enough time to teach you a lesson right now. But once I am back, it will be a lot different then. Nobody will be able to save you.

And the same goes for Guruji as well but punishing him is not quite as important as punishing you. Do what you can, I challenge you. Go hide wherever you can, looser.
Have the guts? Come infront of me once and see what I do to your face. You won't be able to recognize yourself in the mirror if I want it that way.

Ah, I repeat, if I am on the wrong track all this may never happen. And I will get to know the truth after I die. So rest assured, nothing unfair will happen to you. YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!


You have ensured a very tough life indeed for the rest of the lives which the three of us are left with. :(

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

What next???

Just postponed an order worth roughly INR 7 lacs from my favorite client. The ideal deadline is January 2010 end. What next??? :P

January has been the best so far. Already crossed a turnover of over a lac, previous payments due over a lac, in house works over 2 lacs and much more coming. New clients coming each day. Off course this is the turnover and not the profit. And off course everything will probably not happen. but even if I reach a profit of 1.5-2 lacs this month, although I may not, but still pretty good. Now, what else do we call successful? :D

Expecting at least four big orders, two from overseas and two from Cochin by the end of the month. :)

Just for your information, the overseas client Sean had thrown me out a while back and refused to send any more work my way. Today, I can proudly guess that I am his right hand and at the way things are going I might be able to pun (not exactly) that I become his only writer one day. :P
So you never know how things work out with time. :)

Now we have really got the ball rolling... :P :) :D

The only thing left is being able to use this money to serve my angel. :( So much I wish that she was a part of my success. Without her I feel so empty and void... I love her the same way as I did once. No, much more now. :)


Monday, January 11, 2010

To My 3 Enemies

Firstly, I would like to clarify. The people who I am referring to my 3 enemies may or may be my real enemies any longer, or ever for that matter. These are people who at one point of time I considered were my enemies, and they may or may not be enemies today. And these are probably the only people ever I considered my enemies.

One of my dearest friends who backstabbed me and ended his friendship, even though I still wanted to be his friend. I have hated him for quite a while, wanted terrible pain for him.

I don't know why but a voice within me speaks that it wants to forgive him and leave it there. I dreamed of him some time back and the innocence I could see on his face makes me think as if I would really feel guilty if I ended up doing something miserable to him. I am not saying that he is a good guy, off course he has done several very bad deeds. But he is a human after all and everybody does make mistakes. Although people may not have always forgiven me even for my smallest of mistakes, I believe that I would do something wrong if I get back to him. I don't know. That is probably the way I feel at this moment. May be I am a chutiya, that is why I feel like this. But I really feel like forgiving him. Many people in his shoes would probably have reacted the way he did.

Even he does deserve some consideration. I am not saying that I have a happy life ahead, but maybe his life is not going to be pleasant either. God is anyways unkind, why should I trouble the poor guy further. He is just a kid. I know dude that you are angry on reading the previous statement, but as far as your soul and philosophical level is concerned, you are still a kid for me and I don't say that out of arrogance but maybe out of warmth for you. I dunno. I am mad, perhaps. But I want to forgive him. He doesn't care, either ways. But I don't want God to make him suffer what he made me suffer. That would be being too harsh on him.

Good luck dude, I wish you success in life. Be happy and make others happy. That is good enough I guess, isn't it?

About the other two enemies however, I don't feel the same. What they did are unforgivable sins and crimes greater than what justifies the strictest punishment in hell. I feel no sympathy for them. Well almost. Although I may not want what happened to me to happen to either of the two, but apart from that the worst possible punishment would possibly less less for each of them. I can't can't can't forgive them for what they did and that has loooonnngg lasting effects on my life, longer than this life, longer than death and God knows how many lives to come.

I don't really know whether he is an enemy or not. I used to worship him as > God at one point of time and had full faith in him. Maybe he is not an enemy and maybe he never lied. But what he did was enough to disappoint me and make me consider him a dokhebaaz. Maybe, he did have my best interest in mind, as of now, I don't know. So I am not giving the verdict.

But if he did lie to me then I can never forgive him. I am alive today because of him and that is the very reason I suffer each moment. I would have probably been in heaven with my angel, otherwise. How can I ever forgive him? How can I not hate somebody for being so to me? I am sorry but this is something terribly wrong...

I don't know whether she is an enemy or not. If she is my angel, then she is not an enemy and can never be. Then she is already forgiven for all she did to me. She doesn't need to even mention a Sorry if she doesn't want to and I don't need to tell her than I have forgiven her. Being the great soul she is and the love of my life, she has every right on me and in love their is no place for a SORRY. Maybe, it is just my misunderstanding what I perceive today.

But from the likes of it, or from what it seems, she is not my angel and just the person who destroyed me. I see in her an extreemmeelly cruel and cold person who lacks even the slightest sign of innocence. I see no reason to forgive her for something she doesn't repent, something she doesn't even accept for that matter. What should I forgive her for? I know that she is not asking for forgiveness. But...

Let me be very clear. Although I may not be taking any action against the remainder of my enemies in this life. I promise them that if they are indeed proven as my enemies. They will not be spared. I will be back sooner than what they might think and they will regret what they did to me. I will make them regret. But that time it is not going to be a fair game and it will be me who is going to be a villain. No need to get scared now. But trust me, there is an after life and there are repeated births. I will be back in no time to teach them a lesson. And then loss of loved ones, blood, murder, rape and stuff will be something that will be too very light for me to embrace onto them. When I am serious, I play serious. Your everyday crimes don't come into my books as punishments for doing something as offensive as these people did. It is going to be very serious, and very unfair. Something I probably may end up regret doing myself.

But, I hope that it doesn't turn out this way. I hope that there have been no lies from that dear saint of mine and only some other problems from the other end. I dunno!

For the time being going to Switzerland is a backup plan and on the cards as a backup!!!

Friday, January 8, 2010

GameX : My Droolmal...:P

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Music the way its meant to be heard...

Hey guys

Just got my Audioengine A5Bs. They are entry level active (ie.self amplified) bookshelves and just 90W RMS and I am sure that they can pretty much blow away any home theater you have ever heard, even if you own a Bose or an Onkyo. :P

They sound great. Not perfect! But a near cinema experience minus the surround effects.

There are just two speakers and nothing else and even when I am lying on the bed I can feel the motions vibrate. :D Now that is without the subwoofer. Too powerful, ain't it?

Kuch is Tarah sounds awesome on it.

Although I could have done with a 100k setup, for the while this is all I could lay my hands on and they are good.

Anybody wanting a demo can come over to my home and have it. By the way, in terms of sound quality these are supposed to kick the ass of any sound setup in 30-40k including the likes of Bose, Jamo, Onkyo and Denon. :)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

So, miracles do happen :)

Let me tell you two of the very significant miracles that have happened to me.

1) When I went for the AIEEE counseling with papa, he told me to fill one college at the top which has impossible for me to get under any circumstance. He told me that I will get it, but will not be able to use it. Also, he said that after this my faith shouldn't wander. I knew that getting IIIT Allahabad was impossible, absolutely no chance. It was like saying that a 15k ranker can get through JEE and get a seat in one of the IITs. Till date IIIT A's cutoffs had been close to 5k. I knew I wouldn't get it. The day of the result came. I wasn't expecting anything and nor did I care a damn as for obvious reasons(my angel) I wasn't prepared to leave New Delhi under any circumstance.

Guess what! I got through IIIT Allahabad. That year the cutoffs went over 14k! I don't know what happened and how did it happen. Off course it must have had a reason but why did it happen to IIIT A of all colleges when neither me nor papa were aware of anything that was about to happen. I had chosen IIIT A as my first choice and got it bang on. But off course as promised, I wasn't meant to use that miracle so I was to stick with Jaypee Noida.

2) For years CBS's entrance examination has been known to have 60 GK questions, something I am pathetic at. Even according to this year's brochure, nothing had changed and the only chance of me not getting through was if the GK came unknown to me. Before the entrance examination, a devotee of Sai Baba told me that I should take up BBA over BTeech if I want success.

What a chance? This year the GK section comprised of only 30 questions and the rest were split into the other sections. The short GK section was pretty much the only miracle that could get me through. I wasn't expecting to pass, I was almost sure that I wouldn't. I hadn't even preyed for it.

But it happened!

As for the success part, There have been times, very bad times, very sad times when my business was all destroyed and I was pretty much making no money. The guy I met at the first day of my college told me the trick to which I can attribute 100% of my income today. The very reason I am doing so well, maybe the very reason that this business is still alive because I met that guy. Nothing better could have happened.

These are just two of the many miracles that have happened to me. Many more small miracles have happened, many because of meditation. Many because maybe I have been lucky.

Friday, January 1, 2010

When beautiful times come to an end...

Here comes to 2010. One of the most scary years of my life dawns in front of me and I stand to witness the fear and tackle it single handedly.

All I see in this year is pain, pain and more pain. But two goals I see myself set before my eyes:

1. To do my best and study really hard to work towards my mission in life. I plan to put in at least 3-4 hours of studying every day. Yes, every single day through out the semesters which are yet to come and I have already started that race.

2. To hope to take my business even further. In the year to come if I can double my monthly income and keep it consistent then I would be satisfied and one step further in my quest for independence and maybe closer to my dream.

Anyway, rest assured, none of my real dreams are about to be fulfilled in 2010 and the two points mentioned above are not my dreams but only a means to get to them. By the way, I am converting my company into a Private Limited and will myself become the MD besides remaining the CEO as well.

I had thought of a wonderful name for which I got a really nice scolding from papa. :( So plans for that name go out of the window and the name name will not dawn everybody with a surprise, but it will be a beautiful name as usual.

So 2010, here we go..